Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The State of My Soul

Tonight I uttered words that spoke the truth about the state of my soul.  As soon as they left my heart they were returned to me by a voice that whispered of their fault.  Suddenly, I knew that all of the wondering - all of the wandering - all was the impact of my own doubt.

The words I spoke became a confession; one that would be taken lightly by many, but not by Him.  In an unassuming way, I simply stated, "I am a worrier."  While that may not seem like a confession worthy of such drama, it was highlighted by the months of questions and conversations, the sleepless nights, the tortured passing of time since I last trusted fully.

As I struggled through my crisis of faith, though never doubting His love or salvation, I stepped out of the comfort of His power and strength and into the pit of my own frailty.  I wrestled with my sin, pains of the past, concerns for the future, self-pity, and more, and He watched over me and waited - waited until I found peace that would overcome it all.  He tended to my needs but, in His great love, let me learn from my suffering.

Using the words of others, observations of life, and guidance from His gentle hand, He prepared me for the truth.  He hadn't changed.  All was as it always had been.  By the grace of God I had changed, but only by returning to the truth I had always known.  He is sovereign. He is eternal. He is all that I need.

The revelation that came from His whisper was a tiny transformation of the characters in my own pronouncement.  "I am a warrior," He corrected.  After all of the uncertainty, all of the inquiry, all of the dispute, He simply reminded me of who I am in Him.

Oh that I had never forgotten.  Time wasted, energy exhausted, precious opportunities lost.  My anxiety solved no problems, protected nothing.  Instead, it only served to rob me of my trust in Him.  Countless moments, meant for waging war against the enemy of my soul, were squandered in exchange for the empty pleasure of wallowing in worry.

Worry sapped my strength - trust restores it.  Worry staled my hope - faith renews it.  Worry stole my joy - He redeems it!  I am a warrior!  I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

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